At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression – my depression materialised in a number of ways – eating too much, eating not enough, not sleeping, sleeping until noon, crying uncontrollable and emotionally checking out and so on, I was all over the spectrum and from then I’ve had my highs and lows with depression.
This week, well on Friday my depression decided to make an unwelcome appearance once again. When I say make an appearance I don’t mean that my depression come and goes at will, but a large amount of the time my depression doesn’t overly affect me, it’s like a light humming in the back of my mind which I can ignore and work on to silence it. However, there are times when that light humming becomes an intense screaming alarm which clouds my mind and makes everything harder. So, like I said on Friday my depression hit me like a tonne of bricks and it was a massive shock to the system as this hasn’t happen in a very long time. On Friday night I got home from work at around 5:30pm and sat in my bed and then fell asleep with some waking up in between until 9am the next day – I was meant to go out with my family for food and drinks but I just couldn’t do it, my mind and body wouldn’t connect and the thought of getting up and ready was too much for me to handle – so I stayed in bed and protected myself from everything. I appreciate to this might sound a bit pathetic to some-one who doesn’t suffer and can’t understand but this isn’t laziness, it’s your body going into defence mode and putting up the shutters to anything which might trigger it more. So Saturday rolls around and I have all these plans in my head to get up, go out shopping, call up some friends for a drink etc! It’s a beautiful Saturday so why not hey? Yet none of these things happened, I didn’t really leave my room if I’m honest and it sounds so pathetic to admit this but it’s true – I locked myself away with some films, some food and some H2O and spent my Saturday on my own dealing with my emotions.
Personally, I find depression incredibly isolating even though I have people around who love me and try to understand what I’m going through, but I know they don’t understand and they will probably never truly get it. I remember sobbing to my mum about how I didn’t want to be this way and I wanted to get better but I just couldn’t seem to work out how and being so frustrated that there wasn’t a permanent solution to my problem – just bandaids which help me cope from time to time. I’ve been on anti-depressants and in counselling for my depression which have both helped and I would recommend looking into all options for some one who is struggling but I think we can admit it’s a big thing to overcome that this is something that will also be apart of us.
So, now it’s Sunday and i’m two days into my low and I’ve showered and left my flat to pick up some things and do a little bit of shopping – so we are moving in the right direction, I’m still avoiding phone calls (not important one) just off some friends and family who are just checking up on me, but they know how I shut down slightly when this happens. My depression makes me feel hopeless and pointless and so unmotivated – I don’t means this in a way that it makes me want to end my life, just in a very ‘what is the point’ kind of way. I don’t know how long I’ll be in this phase – previously I’ve been here for a month, 2 weeks, a couple of days it really depends and there isn’t a rhyme or reason. Seeing how this is something I’ve been dealing with for almost 5 years I believe I am getting better with how I deal with it and how I react to the situation – I use to so angry and I would snap at everyone for saying the simplest of things, I use to shout at my mum so often and always have to go and apologise once I had realised how nasty I had been, but now I feel that I deal with it in a healthy way.
I thought it would be interesting to talk about my depression when I’m in the eye of the storm so to speak and honestly this has been very therapeutic – I hope anyone suffering with depression seeks the help they need and I hope they realise it will pass. Please let me know your thoughts and if you find this helpful/interesting!